I often find myself staring into space whenever fear strikes me. I freeze and myriad thoughts race through my mind trying to make sense of what it is I'm scared of at that moment. I'm scared of being alone right now. A friend left for another country and I keep thinking that it happened again. It always happens whenever I get close to a person, they would just up and leave me alone. I've taken stock of the situation and I figured that's why I'm afraid of getting close to anyone, that early on the defense mechanism kicks out any human candidate that dares to breach the wall. The only one that hasn't disappointed me so far is God. I've been through a lot and I always find him quietly sitting right beside me. He doesn't need to ask what's wrong for I voluntarily pour out everything to him. He knows who I am much more than I do.

I read in a book that "people with artistic temperaments tend to be more emotional. We are more in touch with our feelings than most people. That's a wonderful privilege. I feel bad for people who are out of touch with their emotions. They miss out on some of life's most meaningful moments..." Does it surprise me to find an affirmation that I'm not the only one who feels this way? Yes and a thousand times more, yes. But there's more, "This emotional freedom can quickly turn to bondage if we're not careful though. When people talk about the tortured artist, they're usually referring to the propensity we artists sometimes have to be controlled by our emotions."

The dark side of emotions, sometimes it still gets the best of me. I'm doing much better now than I was some years ago. I have Him to thank for. I might have needed a psychologist before but instead of holding it all in I let it all out. I have cried unashamedly in the presence of my friend, Rollan. He didn't say much at the time but it's ok, I didn't anybody saying anything to me. I just needed someone to listen to me and not make any judgments nor give any advice at that moment. He also became a sounding board for me to express a lot of ideas. Most of them are really weird. We talked about the future once and the gadgets that would be invented at the time and one idea led to another until we had a gaggle of brilliant inventions that's waiting to be done. He's not an emotional guy. He's also an artist but he's not emotional, he was what we called an "emotional plywood." He had a lot of things bottled up inside him and he didn't know how to handle them. He eventually went to work in the Middle East starting last year and he's one of the prime examples of what I'm talking about earlier on.

Funny how the mere prospect of discussion of problems scares a lot of people. Like "uh-uh..." and then silence. Sad. Very sad.